I'm feeling... Friday, Nov. 21, 2003 Hey there everybody. I know that It has been a while since my last post but I just want you to know that this has been sitting there in the back of my mind for a while now. Sorry I haven't addressed it sooner. Lots of shit has been going on. More or less, the aformentioned shit has really just come around in the past week and a half. Last week, we were constantly having problems with transportation to and from class. I'm sorry, but is it really so hard to be on time to pick up a client? I don't think so. The very first day, we didn't even go anywhere. The guy never showed up. This happened again on the 12th and they even went so far as to blame us for it. You see, our pick up times in the mornings alternate every other day from 8am to 11am. Not to hard if you ask me. Well as far as we knew these times had not been changed. Everybody had agreed on those times. Yet somehow, the transportation company got the idea that we were supposed to be picked up at 7:45am. Wow. I didn't know anything about that. Well, we didn't even know that they had even showed up. And it was our fault. We even got mailed a sitation. Fun, fun, fun. So much fun. Yet not to sound completely pessimistic, we are getting the transport thing worked out and I must say, the drivers have all been fucking amazing. Really great guys if you ask me. Well thats about it for the transportation issues. Stay tuned for more griping, soon to come in later episodes. In other news, Jer is still the destroyer of all. He crashes, he bashes, he does everything you can think of. He tends to run into things here. Not that he can help it all the time. It's not exactly the most spacious area we live in. The creme de la creme was one day when Jer was on the phone and I was going through the closet looking for our shirts. Jer all of a sudden has to use the restroom and backs up in a hurry. Well the thing you have to picture in your head is that fact that we have a fold out sliding closet door from the late 70's or the early 80's. It's on weak tracks, has flimsy construction, and is all around crap. Oh, did I mention that it is basically one giant mirror? Any way, the closet is right by the bed and this just so happens to be right where the phone is. To sum this up, the closet is at the foot of the bed, the phone is by the head of the bed, and the bathroom (closed) is in the middle. The bathroom has to be closed to be on the phone. Okay? You still with me? Well he backs up quickly and hits the mirrored closet door pretty hard. Honestly though, he did not mean to do it at all. He didn't even know that I was in the closet to begin with. Well needless to say, the door was knocked off of it's hinges and I failed to catch it. It fell to the ground and shattered. Some of the hotel managers think that we were "horsing around". Funny. How can we "horse around"? He is in a wheelchair, first of all and to tell the truth, Jer and I have not "horsed around" since my 7th grade year. Oh well. What is important is that noone was hurt, and the general manager (the big tamale up here) is on our side and just wrote it off as an accident. But you know what? I'm still finding shards of glass in my foot. I really don't think that the cleaning lady isn't doing her job. She is really a strange little lady. Kind of funny though, when you think about it. These are the only Hispanic people I have seen up here in KC and not a one of them speak English well enough to even as if you want your room turned down. God I love this place... Other than those two things, the time here has been pretty hum-drum. Suprisingly enough, there really isn't to much that I can do, let alone Jer. Not all of the places we would go to down here are handicap accessable. And I feel pretty bad about leaving him out of things, especially now that I am his attendant. That and there are a few things that I can do around here, like the X-Box, and porn, and then there is... well... nothing really. Oh god. Well it's not so bad. At least we have music. Oh, and an update on the high-speed internet that is complimentary here. Well, it turns out that it is complimentary, but the box used for adapting to and recieving the microwaves turns out to be 200 dollars deposit. Funny how they didn't mention that earlier. You see, it is completely free for people with laptops, not for people with pc's. Oh the fucking irony. Anyway, there is a way around it. We can actually go out and buy an external ether-net card that can just fit into the ether-net port. That would allow is to recieve and transmit. I would assume it's obvious by now but I'm going to say it anyway. This should be really interesting. And now, on a very serious note, I have something to tell everyone. You see, on Wednesday, Nov. 19th at 6:32am, I recieved a call for me to call back home. I called and found out from my father that his father had died earlier that week. He had died from a combination of cancers. Sadly enough, my grandpa still would not give in and call my father to tell him that he was on his deathbed. We found out that he had died from my Uncle Jeff, who by the way lives in Kuwait. Currently, aside from my 2nd cousin in St. Charles, MO, my Uncle Jeff is the only actual contact my dad has with the rest of his family. This is because of my grandpa. You see, the relationship my father had with his father has always been a facade. There was no relationship, unless you would count driving my father and the rest of his sibling to the bar and leaving them in the car to get completely plastered and later having my dad, who is the oldest, drive him back to the house. Unless you would count making him watch as my grandpa beat my grandma in a drunken fit. Unless you count disowning my father, my mom, and my siblings and me for mearly voicing his opinion in an editorial 30 years ago and never looking back. In that case, well then they still had a shitty relationship. The truth is that my father really never had a father, at least in the emotional and spiritual sense. This made my dad the man that he is today. And for that, I owe my grandpa. Without that complete lack of love and caring for my father, I wouldn't have my dad. You see, I have both a strong hate as well as an equally strong love for my grandfather. I hate him for the reasons stated above. I also hate him for making it painfully obvious to my dad that he hated his grandchildren just as much as my father. All I have wanted for a gift is to see my grandfather before he died. I have wanted only this ever since my grandmother died when I was 7 years old. That Christmas, my dad went up to St. Louis to look for the man he called "dad" to tell his that this was the only gift that I wanted. This involved driving around all over St. Louis, going from bar to bar, asking around, going to homes and searching, and much much more. He never came. I don't even know what he looked like. It's been that long since I had seen him. Really, my brother and sister have made sure to put that on their Christmas list every year. And my dad goes up every year. And grandpa fails to show up year after year. But I also love my grandpa. I already said that he is the one who made my father who he is today. I owe him everything for that. I really took it for granted up until now. I wish that I hadn't. I also love him for no better reason than the fact that he is my grandfather. No matter what he has done to me or my father, or to the rest of my family for that matter, I still love him. I really wish I could tell him that. I just wanted to tell him that I turned out fine, without his guidance. I wish I could tell him that. It hurts so much to have never known him. The one picture I have seen of him made him look so happy. I just wish that I could have seen that face, to take it from thought and put it into momory and keep always. I know that that of all things would have brought me a little comfort in the end. But now that he is gone, I'm just going to have to settle for a photo that my dad is going to get for me. A photo of that man to whom I owe so much, whether he ever knew it or not. I hope he knows it now. Really, I do. I am already in a state of mourning and sorrow. And they say that paying your respects to the departed is one of the best ways to deal with the flood of emotions present at this time. Well it pains me to say that I am not able to attend his funeral. This is killing me. Merely thinking of it right now is making me tear up. If only you guys could see me right now. What a sight. His funeral is being held right now, as I type. My dad now has a chance to see family that he has not seen in decades. Im so happy for him right now. ::sigh:: Well I think that I have typed enough for one day, and I'm going to go sit down and think of what to do. I feel, right now, the need to give a little advice. Bare with me now, because here it goes. Don't let the moment slip by. With only one life to live, you would be a moron to let such petty greivences stop you from enjoying life and loving your family. Without a chance to get to know one another, I guarantee you will feel a little more empty on the inside the second you hear that they are gone. You would be suprised at how interesting someone can be, given the chance. Thanks for the ear, Adam "Tyr" Cameron

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