I'm feeling... Monday, May. 02, 2005 Hate and Sorrow. It bleeds from my veins. You know that you are a fucking loser when you are completely devoted to something that you know is impossible to gain. I really do hate being me. I am really tired of always just shutting myself away from what I know to be myself. Everyone else seems to get a little bit of what they want out of life, be it love, academic success, financial success, etc., so why am I so different? I am lonely. I have friends and I have family, but there is just something else. Something thats missing in my life. And I am pretty sure that I know exactly what it is. I love you guys, I really do, but there is just something that none of you can do for me. It's on a level that none of you can reach. I really wish that I could tell you EXACTLY what I want, but I won't for fear of watching eyes. For those of you who know me, I think that you already know. I'm just so frustrated right now. Work is really pissing me off. Not James, no, he's just fine. We get along well. It's just the fact that there are so many people who come in who would be awsome for the job and can't get it because they just aren't "Radio Shack material". How the fuck was I hired? Also, the whole thing about me getting a car. Why can't I just save money. My Dad is hounding me about it all the time and I just can't find one that I like. I need one that I can fit into comfortably, is relatively affordable both at time of purchase as well as insurance costs, get good gas mileage, and it has to look nice. And as far as I know, these are pretty common things that are looked at when looking for a car. Ah well, this problem will be solved soon. Now the biggest issue thus far, is the one from so far away. Alison was down here for a week and I couldn't really do anything with her or Audrey due to work. Why is it that they had to come on that week. Just one week later and everything would have flowed smoothly. I miss them already. For the little time that I did see them, I was ecstatic. Nothing was wrong. Nothing could possibly go wrong. But as soon as I left to go home for the night, I became a screaming entity of pain and hate. Not at anyone or anything, just in general. I screamed so much this past week, well, I still can't talk right. By the time I got back to Jefferson City, I could taste the blood in my mouth. It really hurt then, and it even hurts now. God damn, I am tired of hiding myself from everyone. I just can't be open with anyone. Ever. Is this wrong? I know that I can't tell everyone what my deal is. I just can't. A couple of you know, and even that's to many. I wan't but can't have. Look but don't touch. Taste, but don't take. And no one can ever know what you truly want, because it would ruin what you already have with everyone around you. If you tell what you really fell, you would then be alone. Someone slit my throat before I go to a fucking tower somewhere and waste every poor innocent person who walks by. They don't deserve it, but I do. I deserve to be gunned down with sensless hate and anguish, killed for no reason at all other than the fact that there was a chain reaction in a tube that resulted in an expansion of gas and a projectile had to be moved out of the way so that the gas could escape and that projectile had to hit something. Man I'm childish. Why the fuck can't I just grow the fuck up and find someone to be with. I really just need someone to hold and to talk to. I need someone to love. I'm just not finding anyone like that around here. I feel like a real dick by saying it, but I have high standards. Especially for a guy as ugly as myself. I need to fucking die you know. Fuck this. Adam "Tyr" Cameron > > > P.S. She is the only one that I have never had to hide myself from. I know that is rediculous, but hey, I am one fucking pathetic over-zealous prick right? Well, apparently, she doesn't see me like that.

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